Kitchen Help

The humans need help. They regularly prepare food, but they do things like wash and chop leaves, and stir weird powders into perfectly good milk or meat. And the meat! They always cook it. Ugh. Flavor gone.

I try to assist them. It's really outside the scope of my duties as a World Legion of Cats reprentstive, but I do it because I am fond of them. They are inconsistently open to my suggestions. I never leave their side, in the hopes that they will just open their minds to my good messages. Eat fish. Don't cook it. Forget leaves. 

Special Forces

As a WLoC Special Forces team member, I am always honored and duly impressed when I meet another Species' special forces. Here I am enjoying the company of my human children's grandfather, Dede. He is applying to be a WLoC attaché. I think he is an excellent candidate.
 

. 

Amazon

I don't really get what "Amazon" is. Regardless I do enjoy the boxes that come with the Amazon association. It is good training for me when my humans play with me and the boxes. 

 

Our Canine Counterparts

Humans are, as we have already established, weird. They are also smart, loving, funny and kind. They can be - although it is the minority of them - mean, aggressive and hurtful. The humans are so vulnerable to other humans and demons. They are practically hairless, skin-covered, stuck on two feet, with feeble noses and eyes. They eat leaves and have pretty broken senses in general, especially their sixth sense (and their seventh, their sense of direction.) They can hardly tell when someone is up to no good; they just believe the best in everyone. Ugh. They really need protection.

I have great respect for my counterparts in the World Legion of Dogs. They work tirelessly to keep the humans safe. They do things that we at the WLoC simply cannot (and would not) do: fetching balls and papers, running through obstacle courses, taking their humans on walks, and other such activities as to keep their humans entertained and out of trouble. These dogs fully enhance their humans' lives with companionship and entertainment.  This is a tremendous, selfless job. Witout the dogs, we Cats would simply be overwhelmed by the challenge of protecting the humans. 

I have learned that when humans lose one of their protectors, perhaps a soldier, police or firefighter, they fly a special flag. And so I propose that we all fly rainbow flags in honor of Inca. Inca crossed over the Rainbow Bridge after bravely and compassionately protecting the aunts of my human children. I am certain that she kept Them safe, and moreover, she enriched Aunt Shannon's life immeasurably. Godspeed, Inca. I will see you over there some day. 

 

The Sunny Spot

There are few pleasures in life that are better than a comfy chair in a sunny spot with a view of the birds. Every morning I enjoy this spot on the dining room chair. It is best when it's sunny.

 

Before dozing off I watch the birds out the window. Sweet, yummy birds of all shapes and sizes. Sometimes a demon one will try to gain access to my humans' house by flying through the window. Of course I leap up ready to save the humans of the window should fail. The demon usually falls to the ground, into the paws of my outdoor WLoC counterpart. I snooze on. Maybe a little more than snooze, perhaps deeply sleeping is a better description. 

 

Enjoying the Fire

Ahhhh I love it when my humans make a fire in the house. ( Not so Much when the adult female smokes the food in the kitchen.) I have learned that this is part of Christmas. I like it so much because the Fire is warm and the humans sit around on the couches before it, perfect for snuggling. I snuggle very well. We have many nice quilts for snuggling.

 

 

I belong in every conversation

I follow the humans around so I can hear what they have to say. It is part of my duty to be in the know about everything. When the adults close their bedroom door in the morning, I stand outside, press my ear against it, and use my super cat hearing to listen in. Sometimes they open the door suddenly and I fall into the room.

If they are standing together and conversing, I sit between them. Sometimes I sit within earshot and they don't know. Other times I participate in the conversation. If there is action, I am there. Actually, if there is inaction, I am usually a participant. 

 

 

 

The Adult Male

Isn't he sweet? He sure loves me. He gives me treats and pets me and stays home during the day with me. When he eats in the kitchen standing up, he has a funny way of sharing food with me in which he flops a piece on the floor and says, "oops." I follow him around during the day to protect him. No demons for my humans!

 

 

Cozy Christmas Comfort

I love Christmas. I am not really sure yet what it is, but so far, so good. My humans have changed the decorations. They put a tree in the living room! It is beautiful with all kinds of silly cat toys hung all over it. Those humans, they are so weird. Why would you do that? I love to sit under it, on the lovely cat quilt they placed there for me.  They make delicious food, like shrimp and cheese platters. The house smells like cinnamon, which is not unpleasant.  I think Christmas is great.

 

The Lightboxes

Oh those humans and their light boxes. What is with them? They have small ones they hold in their hands. They have medium sizes one they put on the table. And the giant one downstairs where they all sit on the couches and look at it. I see nothing but light from any of these boxes. What on earth are they doing when they look at these boxes? Are they in some kind of trance? Sometimes I get between them and the box and they just look right through me.

 

Kitchen Help

The humans need help. They regularly prepare food, but they do thinks like wash and chop leaves, and stir weird powders into perfectly good milk or meat. And the meat! They always cook it. Ugh. Flavor gone. 

I try to assist them. It's really outside he scope of my duties as a World Legion of Cats reprentstive, but I do it because I am fond of them. They are inconsistently open to my suggestions. I never leave their side, in the hopes that they will just open their minds to my good messages. Eat fish. Don't cook it. Forget leaves. 

 

 

Fish in the Sink

So who puts perfectly good fish in the sink? That's what I went to investigate recently. As I made my rounds one afternoon I suddenly noted the distinct smell of fish in the kitchen. I raced toward the smell, surprised to find no humans in the kitchen and the smell of fish wafting down from the sink. Faster than you can say "PIPER", I jumped up to investigate. To my surprise and delight their were filets - five of them - floating in a bowl of water. Agggg the predicament: fish, in water. I am not a big fan of getting my paws wet. After a quick cost-benefit analysis, I went for it: I stuck my paw in the bowl, fully clawed and grabbed myself a filet. I flopped it into the sink. It was large, thick and white, but it's smell was somewhat muted. I sink my teeth in and AGGGGG! It was sealed in plastic! What is with these humans and their plastic garbage??? They put it everywhere. When I was in my WLoC survival training on the streets of Irvington, that plastic was EVERYwhere. What would possess you to seal a filet in plastic and put it in a bowl of water. In the sink. Humans. Are. Weird.

Look at my expression as I came out the sink. Utter disappointment. 

 

A Saucer of Milk in the Morning

Sounds like the quintessential pre-breakfast treat, right? My adult female usually serves me shortly after she rises, about 5:00. Then she gives me little treats of turkey. Following that I take the first nap of the day and wait for the sun to rise. This is a picture of my juvenile male holding my milk dish and serving me one morning recently. It was so great, as his mother had already served me once. Life is good!

 

Christmas Shrimp

Delectable and delicious. OMG. They let me lick the shrimp platter. 

 

Yummy doesn't even come close to describing it. I licked the platter clean. It took me twenty minutes. I have never had shrimp and it was AH-mazing. 

 

Subathing

Mid-morning every day I go to work on my vitamin D. I bathe myself in the sun for extended periods. This requires small positional adjustments as the sun tracks across the sky. I usually meditate or concentrate while sun bathing. Today I worked through some equations related to the amount of force required to open the refrigerator while using my body as a lever in different positions.

 

Once my fur is fully loaded I take a thorough bath and soak up all the vitamin d. I need it to keep my bones strong so I will be a good hunter of birds. I love birds. I live for birds. 

 

After my bath I go back to sunbathing. It's a wonderful routine, occasionally punctuated by the call of a bird and a flutter outside the window. I spring into action and hunt it through the window. Then back to sunbathing. 

 

On days that the sun doesn't shine, I meditate into a state of fake sun, where I believe I am sunbathing. Sometimes I can achieve time travel. More about that later. 

I love birds. 

The Risk of Demons in Fish

The World Legion of Cats exists for the protection of humanity against demons. The demons take many forms: insects, rodents, fish and birds. In the region where I live, bird demons are the greatest threat. Fish present zero threat of demon possession here. Zero. Not all birds are demons of course. The demons take bird form to sneak around, as everyone loves birds and enjoys them. In fact, humans go out of their way to feed them, shelter them, protect their habitat, and to learn about them. 

Humans also enjoy fish. My humans enjoy fish. I could not care less about them, as I am a focused, avian demon hunter. Here are the fish my humans enjoy watching, with blank stares on their faces. Their simple minds disengage and they become almost entranced:

 

Pretty uninteresting, right? Boring. I can't even look at it. 

There are fish that I enjoy with my humans, and those are the ones found on a plate. Or in a skillet. Or in the trash can. My humans are so good to me, and when they enjoy that kind of fish, they make sure that I do as well. In the past weeks I have had salmon skin, tilapia, cod and tuna. They are so delectable, each with its own deliciousness. I believe that the consumption of fish makes my feline sense and skills sharper. 

 

Blue Jays

I want one so badly. I can imagine the struggle it would put up, aggressively attacking me with its mean-looking beak. It's strong wings would beat so wonderfully against me as I sink my teeth in it's neck. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

As the humans are sleeping, I keep watch. I ensure that no blue jay demon work its curses on our house. This requires that I keep my eye on them. They like to land by the kitchen window and eat the eggshells my humans put out for them. 

 

Sometimes I get a better perspective from the side window, and can keep track of how many of them there are. 

 

Ahhhhh but to chomp one would be so wonderful. If I keep my eye on them, the someday I will earn my WLoC blue jay badge. 

Someday. 

Care and Comfort

 The juvenile humans have been sick. It has been hard to watch them moping about in discomfort. In my WLoC training, I earned perfect marks (of course) in the care and comfort of sick humans. Here's how it works:

1) rub their ankles. 

2) look at them with your eyes enlarged and your head cocked. Blink both eyes slowly at them. 

3) repeat steps 1 and 2 frequently. 

4) jump in their laps and walk back and forth periodically

5) allow them to snuggle you much longer than you think you can tolerate

6) follow them around the house just in case they need care or comfort. 

 

In the case of the juveniles' current malady, they have been home for many, many days. The adolescent female and the adult female have been regularly leaving the house to hunt birds at school and work, respectively. The juveniles and the adult male have been practicing just what every cat knows is a good habit: sleeping in. This allows me free reign of the downstairs windows for bird-demon monitoring.. 

The World Legion of Cats

It's not so secret now. The Workd Legion of Cats. We work to protect the humans from demons, jinn and bad juju (DJBJ). Where would they be without us?

The frequency of our purrs repels DJBJ. We must sleep close to you at bedtime and walk all over you before waking. When humans are in half sleep hey are most susceptible as they are neither awake  or asleep. 

Ever wonder why we sit right behind you when cooking? The DJBJ thrive when you prepare food, since you are focused on nourishing and hurrying your loved ones. The DJBJ can't stand it. Playing with ribbons and toys? Training. It keeps me sharp. 

 

Have you really watched when we hunt? Why don't I eat every bird i see? Why did I only eat the Tufted Titmouse in the sunroom? What was it actually doing in the sunroom, where birds don't go? And why did it go there just as my adult male got there? It was a DJBJ in disguise, clearly stalking him. Thanks to my training and prowess I was able to protect him. 

Now you know. I am a trained field agent, operating on permanent assignment to this family. I must say, I have received an excellent post. 

 

Party!!!

I am a little sad that I cannot join the retirees for their line-dancing fun. Maybe we can fur-time.

Communications

I do love to peruse the library when my people are away during the day. It is well stocked, with tomes in many languages. I enjoy studying human languages as it adds clarity to my communication of my needs. Never one to have my message obfuscated by poor choice of words, I really on my vast command of all human communications to get the point across: turkey, now. 

My humans are so special. I just love that they each speak at least two languages. How did I get so lucky? Their knowledge of languages allows them to hear me in ways that others cannot. 

They have recently been learning to say "adorable kitty" (or kitty, at least) in different languages. It makes them feel as if they are making extra effort to extol my virtues. I totally approve. 

Pusekatt - Norwegian, my ancestral (human) tongue

Kissemisse - Swedish

Yavru Kedi - Turkish

La chatte - French

Minou - French

Gatita - Spanish

Kitty Katze - German

A few weeks back, I discovered diaries written by the venerable SalDiz, yes, HRH Dixie and her sidekick, SalPal. These diaries were written in German, and quite extensive. There is a lesser volume of their diaries in Spanish. Fascinating reading, they give such insight into Sal and Dixie's minds and lives. It appears their human may have tried to co-author the diaries, but with little success as her parts are quite dull. 

My oldest juvenile female is learning French. And so, to help her with the language, I used Kedi Mind Control to help her write my letter to Elijah:

 

Then, as if she had zero Mind Control of her own, she wrote a response from Elijah, clearly dictated by him. 

 

Chicken cutlet the size of my head

I love Peapod! They bring our groceries to us. Saturday my adult female took bags of groceries downstairs to put away. While she did that I helped myself tot he treat that the Peapod driver put on our kitchen floor: six pounds of chicken cutlets! Here you will see me working on the first one. The adult female seemed surprised when she saw me eating it. When I cried out for her to cut it into bite-sized pieces she put me back in the bedroom and shut the door.

What on earth!!! I think the chicken cutlet was in the trash can, because the trash smelled heavenly all afternoon. People as SO weird.

The Side My Bread is Buttered On

Or, more properly, the side on which my bread is buttered. My humans are all wonderful and lovely and I am extremely fond of them all. The adult male is so much fun to dote in he is cute when he talks to me, and he is always happy to give me a run or massage. As of late he is not so willing to give me treats. It seems that the adult female has some influence over him on this topic. Grrrrr. I proceed with my plans to open the refrigerator independently some day.

What is this "school" of which they speak?

Another entry with the sub-heading "people are weird."

The juveniles were so excited when they went back to "school." The older female juvenile was miserable soon thereafter because of "school," although I actually get the vibe that she likes it.  The juvenile male complains in he waking up moments that he hates "school" and does not want to go. His mother persists cheerfully in preparing him, while saying "everyone has to go" then and shoving him out the door with admonishments to "have a good day at school." What sense does that make, that she sends him somewhere he hates? The youngest female has her own moments of hating school, but usually just after she comes home, while futzing with some papers and complaining of hunger. 

What is this "school"? Fish school, I see that in our aquarium. Do people school? Why? Where? This is a mystery to me. They leave in the morning for "school" with large bags on their backs containing small boxes of turkey between white tasteless stuff. They come home in the afternoon and they smell of many different people and places. What is this "school?" Would I like it? I have heard that there is doggie school. Well, I am certain I could do it better than a dog, but of course I probably won't ever go there since there might be dogs. Not fond of them. Except from afar. 

Here I am preparing the youngest female's school bag. Do you think she will sniff it tomorrow and know that I was here? 

 

Turkey-flavored bathing

I love my people. They are really good to me. In the morning and in the evening they all ask each other, "Has anyone fed Piper?" Their concern is touching. I wish they would ask less and feed me more. Imagine if everyone fed me! Scoops and scoops of food 

In the early morning the adult female wakes up and we go downstairs together. She gives me a good morning rub, scratch and snuggle. Then she treats me with turkey. I've gotten to where I just turn in circles when she gives it to me. It's dizizying but effective. After the turkey she rubs her turkey-scented hands in my fur and all the little tiny pieces get rubbed into me. I love the turkey-flavored bath I take after my morning treat. What cat could ask for more than this?

On the Origin of Boxes

I spend my days thinking. The world is full of curiosities and I am curious about them. There is an idiom, "curiosity killed the cat," which is obviously a slogan dreamed up by the uninterested of the human species. The people who lack curiosity and ambition and scorn those who've got it. The people who play video games and watch tv all day. The people who fail science and don't read books for enjoyment. They came up with a way to justify their total lack of interest in anything, as if interest and curiosity were dangerous. Bah! They are the hallmarks of greatness.

One of the things I really enjoy is jumping in and out of a good cardboard box. The cardboard is such great surface. It is almost slippery and yet also so easy to sink my claws into. When my tail rubs against the edge of the box I am sitting in, it makes a delicious echoey, rustling noise that reminds some ancient part of me of a mouse in a wall. I flip around and attack the spot, killing the invisible and unfortunate mouse. The humans also enjoy the boxes. They like to lightly scratch the edge of the box when I am inside, which makes a wonderful mouse-in-the-walk noise. They delight when I spring about, everyone marveling at my gymnastic talent and quickness.

These boxes are great, and plentiful. I have long wondered about their origins. It has been a curiosity that has driven me to bravery. I do not care for the large rectangular brown trucks with golden scrawl on their sides that prowl our neighborhood every day except Sunday. When I was younger and heard them coming, I would spring down from my window and hide. Now I stay in the window and watch them with scorn and disdain. When they stop in front of my house I watch for as long as I can stand it, and then I hide.

It recently came to understand through my careful (and very courageous) observation that the drivers of the trucks provide us with the boxes. I do not understand why, but perhaps it is similar to the woman in blue who brings paper every day except Sunday. My adult male enjoys the paper so, and spends his time moving it about the house. People are weird.

Last evening my adult female showed us the picture here of a driver of the brown trucks. She called him Max-the-You-Pee-Ess driver and said he belongs to a friend. It makes sense. The humans have employed the canines' desire to serve and bring boxes to the felines in their homes. Smart humans. The only thing I don't understand is why the humans insist on dressing the You-Pee-Ess drivers. Poor dogs. Weird humans.

Nobody had better ever try to dress me.

Guest Post by Pamuk

Hi! I am Pamuk! 

*rinkrinkrink*

I really need to eat. Do you have a carrot? I haven't had a carrot in weeks. Two weeks at least. Do you have a carrot?

*rinkrinkrink*

 

[adult female provides a carrot. Two minutes after that...]

Hi! I am Pamuk! 

*rinkrinkrink*

I really need to eat. Do you have a carrot? I haven't had a carrot in weeks. Two weeks at least. Do you have a carrot?

*rinkrinkrink*

Seen on SnapCat: Buster and Moshi

These are my friends, Buster and Moshi. A picture tells a thousand words, doesn't it? Moshi has a secret sleeping spot, up high, nice and private, just as she likes it. This has been much to Buster's dismay. He has long wished he could get up there with her. A few days ago his people (Lisa and Joanne) helped him out with the elevation, and he hopped right into the box with her. He whipped out his phone and snapped this selfie before Moshi could even object. He posted it on SnapCat, which is where I saw it.  

It would be kind of fun to have another feline in the house with me, but I am sure we'd have war over social meowdia posting of pictures like this.  Pamuk, my Guinea Pig, does not use social meowdia. He just eats carrots and sleeps. 

Cat Food

I'll start by saying that my favorite food bar none is birds. Yum yum yum. Especially fresh, flying and fluttering birds. But I am also happy with deli sliced birds. Cardinal, Blue Jay, Titmouse ... all delicious. 

Second to birds is food from a can. It's so delicious. Just hearing the can opener makes my heart race and my mouth water. I walk in circles and seek ankles to rub myself on. It's crazy, the effect that sound has on me. My adult female calls it Pavlovian. People are weird. 

 

Sometimes people put the weirdest stuff in cat food cans. Once they offered me chopped tomatoes, another time pumpkin purée. I was like, "what is wrong with you people, why would you put that in a can of cat food and offer it to me?" Seriously. 

Sometimes they offer me a unique kind of cat food that I had never tasted until joining this household. They call it beans. I am not really sure what beans are. Do they fly? Do they scamper? Do they live in New Jersey? I am still not clear on all that, but I can say definitively that beans are some of the finest cat food I have ever tasted.